Thursday, April 18, 2013

I'm afraid sometimes

I go in phases of having this immense fear of leaving my children motherless and fatherless.  I know it's mostly unrealistic.  I know Steve and I are fairly healthy, but so were my parents also.  They surely didn't see a tractor running over him and killing him in their future.  And my mother couldn't have forseen pneumonia turning out to be really lung cancer.  I'd say it was most difficult when Gage was 6 and Morgan was 8 because those were the ages of when I lost my Dad and Mom.  I looked at them and couldn't imagine what it would be like for them to lose us at that age.  Yet I could and it scared me.   I would never want them to have to go through that.  Then I did manage to feel better and get over it but I guess the fear never goes away.  Just recently I had a nightmare of Steve dying and trying to figure out how I and the kids would ever survive it.  It was so scary because it was so real.  Even after waking up I felt this veil of oppression over me and it was hard to fight off.  Then not more then a week later another dream of him dying and then I was killed.  I just never want them to have to go through that and to know what it's like to grow up without a Mom and Dad.   It's strange how my fear when I was younger was losing other family members who were close to me.  That's why it was so hard to get close to anyone and let them get to know you because of the fear of loss like before.  Now that I have my own children my fear is of them having to deal with what I did growing up.

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